She
by daydreamer4
Summary: Toby relives his memory of the night that CJ came to visit him in Institutional Memory.


Author's Note: This takes place during and after season seven's Institutional Memory. I don't usually write for Toby, but every so often his voice emerges when I see an episode. This is the result. I hope you enjoy it.

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"She"

He wasn't expecting her show up tonight. He heard the car pull up outside and he glanced out the window. He saw the non-descript, black car and he had a moment of panic thinking they were coming to get him early. After a breath he decided it was okay. It was just someone visiting the building. He went back to what he was doing. Then he heard a knock on the door.

Toby walked to the door and opened it. He was greeted by her with silence. She made it a habit not to speak until the agents had secured the area. He wondered if it was so she wouldn't accidentally mingle her personal life with that of the agents. It had ended tragically for her once before. She knew better now.

It really had been forever since they'd seen each other. Well, he knew she'd seen him. His picture was all over the 24-hour news networks. Hell, half of those pictures included her standing next to him at some bill signing. Not to mention the speculation of what she had to do with him leaking the information.

The agent left and she entered, eventually handing him a bottle of wine. They started talking like it hadn't been months since they'd spoken. They talked like they both forgot that the last time they talked she was angry and ran from him like he had the plague.

He understood that she needed to keep her distance. He was toxic. But, months had gone by without a phone call, an e-mail or even a letter. He'd spoken with Josh more often than he'd spoken with her and that hurt him in ways he hadn't conceived he hurt. Yet, here she was, sitting at his kitchen counter looking sad and older and still more beautiful than Toby remembered.

She brought him wine, which he dutifully poured for her. He knew what this meant. It had happened before. She was upset and needed a friend, a friend who might let something happen. Part of her wanted it to, he knew that. When she was lonely or sad she'd show up with wine and the hope that he might forget himself and make a move. But, it was always on him to make the move, if was ever going to happen, because she was afraid of screwing up their relationship. Toby thought about how their relationship had basically disappeared. If there was ever going to be a time where things could get murky, it might as well be now.

But even as his mind wandered to the what-if she sat there talking about Danny. Danny Concannon was the man who would always have a hold on her like no other. Not even Toby had that piece of her. She was oblivious to it of course, but she was intrigued by Danny and he was a happy, challenging man who deserved her. Because as much as she deserved a happy man, she also needed one who challenged her and called her out on her bullshit.

She seemed to have that in Danny. Toby had heard through various sources, mainly Josh, who got his intel from Donna, who still spoke to Margaret, that she'd been with Danny ever since Leo passed away. She was supposedly happy, yet, here she was in his apartment giving him the opportunity to screw everything up for her, for both of them, if he'd let it.

She talked about Danny until he couldn't take it anymore and so he made an observation. He commented on the fact that she surrounded herself with powerful men who, at least at one time, if only for a fleeting moment, wanted her, and yet she lamented her loneliness. If she only knew the secret desires of the men she surrounded herself with.

During the campaign, when Toby had brought her on, he introduced her to Josh. It only a week before Toby sat next to Josh in a New Hampshire bar and got drunk wondering aloud what it would be like run his hand up her thigh.

He was the one who ran into Sam after he accidentally walked in on CJ changing in her office. His cheeks were flushed, but it wasn't from embarrassment. He saw the way Sam looked at her in the next staff meeting. He knew Sam's look of desire came from the fact that he'd seen what was underneath her silk blouse.

Danny, Ed, Larry, Greg Brock. Toby knew they all harbored desire for her and here she was, in his kitchen, feeling sorry for herself. It was almost too much too take. He had always wondered what it would be like to actually kiss her and hold her in his arms. She never let it get that far. A few looks, some innuendo, but nothing ever materialized, much to his chagrin. But tonight was different. Tonight she wanted something from him and for once Toby thought it might be the one thing he wanted from her most of all.

He called her on it. He baited her, asking why she brought the wine in the middle of the night. After all, she might take him up on it. He knew it would be wrong, but she was sad and willing and he was going to jail, so why not? They could finally say they tried it. Things wouldn't get weird because the next time they saw each other it would be weird anyway. She'd be talking to him through bulletproof glass. If she came to visit, that is.

And then he had a crisis of conscience; the one that he ignored when he called up Greg Brock and told him his secrets. This time he couldn't ignore the voice from within that told him if he let something happen he'd regret it Not only regret it, but never truly forgive himself for taking advantage.

He wanted to laugh aloud at the thought. The one thing he always wanted from her was here for the taking and he couldn't do it. But, the more he thought about it the more he knew that he couldn't take advantage of her even if he wanted to. After all these years she knew better than to let that happen.

He put a stop to the flirting and he told her to get it together. He told her to make a decision. In effect he told her to go him. And why shouldn't he? Danny could offer her so much more than he ever could. And he loved her. He knew that much. She was happy with him, when she stopped over-analyzing it and just stayed in the moment. They made each other laugh a joyful laugh. Toby didn't laugh much at all.

So she left. She took his advice and she went to him. She didn't tell him as much, but he knew that's where she was headed. Before she left she hugged him and he held her and she held him for the briefest moment. It was a hug of hello and a hug of goodbye and a hug that said, "I love you and I have needed you in ways I can't articulate and I've missed you."

He watched the black car pull away from his apartment and he went back to his dinner and the typo in the Constitution. He was recalling all these memories as he stood on a windy, hilltop in California while she held hands with Danny and said her vows. She turned to him for the ring because CJ being CJ meant that she didn't have a maid of honor, she had a best man and that best man was him.

Toby glanced over at Josh, who was Danny's best man because they had known each other for so long, and Toby smiled an actual perceptible grin. He stood there on the hilltop in the California sun, an activity that would have made him ornery once upon a time, and today he smiled because he knew everything had turned out exactly the way it should.

He saw how she looked at Danny and how it was not just her smile that lit up when she looked at him, but her entire face from her eyes to her lips. He saw how Danny looked at her, as if she hung the moon, but with knowledge that he would never let her get away with thinking it of herself, which is what she needed.

He looked at how Donna looked at Josh and the same look passed between them that passed between Abby and President Bartlet. It was the look of love and understanding and desire that he gave Andi, but she never quite returned; the look that he was too afraid to share with CJ.

It was the same look that he gave to the attractive brunette in the second row who was too young for him, but neither of them cared because she was returned the same look to him and he finally felt like he was ready for it.

Everyone was surprised when showed up with her. Sam gave him a happy smile that told him he had always been worried that Toby would end up alone. Josh gave him a raised eyebrow and a smile that said, "Way to go buddy." CJ gave him a knowing grin that told him she'd seen the spark of interest there before and she was happy he'd finally found someone.

Toby stood on the hilltop at CJ and Danny's wedding, looking at Rina and thinking a thought that hadn't run through his head since Huck and Molly were born: _"Life doesn't get much better than this."_

The End.


End file.
